joeycalveyonline.com

OH HO! Finally some action from donotcall.gov!

According to Network World, “A federal court today spanked two telemarketers with some $1.2 million in civil penalties for violating the Federal Trade Commission’s Do Not Call (DNC) Rule.”

Read the full article here.

Spam for the phone.  I can’t escape it.

Having just obtained a new number for the business, which is of course NOT unlisted, I’m flooded with calls.  Read some of the common ones and my most common, non-profane, responses.  Remember, since they called you, you can say anything you like, but you can’t make like a death threat.

Looking for the owner!

“Is the owner there?  Are you the owner?” or “Uh, who am I speaking with?  Are you the owner?”

Well that’s easy.  I respond with“Who are you trying to call?”

I always get back:  “The owner of the business.”

My ever witty response, “Do you happen to know his name?, cause if you don’t you need to figure it out.”   They usually hang up.

Credit Card Processing

“Oh hey, do you accept credit cards?”  Oh yeah, what do you want to buy?  Hung up on again.

Pause.  Pause.  Either a hang up or!

Or my all time favorite, the pause followed by the click because no one was available to take my call.  Or even better, that annoyingly perky female voice saying “Stay on the LINE!  We have an important message for you!”

Patently illegal, I think they have all of two seconds to get on the phone with a REAL person.

Sometimes I have time.

Yeah, sometimes I have the time and the temperament to spend some quality joejoe time with the poor, unsuspecting telemarketing maggot on the other end of the line.  In this case, I’m sure that some of them either get medicated or quit their job.

My infamous alter ego Dr. Hand likes to answer the phone in some of these cases.  Dr. Hand is an elderly asian gentleman that was obviously some form of torture expert for the Chinese Tong.

“Hello, I have an important message from…blah blah.”

That’s all the good Doctor really needs to hear to get started.  The doc replies “Ah.  This, is Doctor Hand.”

“Well hello there, Doctor.  I’d like to…”

“Doctor Hand is interested in you.  Where do you live?  Doctor Hand used to live in the Iron Triangle.  Doctor Hand has retired from all that now.  Doctor Hand misses the screaming and pain though.  Where did you say you lived?”

Click.

Or, talk to them about what have they done for me lately, like:  “Ah, sorry to interrupt your blazing discourse and I know it’s hard to find your place on your script, but can I have your credit card number?”  They don’t like that but most of them are stupid, anyway, and ask why I would want that.  I usually just tell them that I’m going to be charging them my hourly rate for their time as I’m a consultant.  They usually just try to go on with the script.

It’s a frivolous waste of time, but it affects their bottom line.  The less calls they make the less money they make, so if you have some time, and can keep out of the interactivity, you REALLY waste their time more than yours.

Blocked or Unavailable caller ID all causes me to have bloody hair freak outs.  THAT should be flat out illegal, period.  I pay for caller ID so that I can ignore you when the phone rings, and not feel bad about missing a legitimate call.

Telemarketers are a blight upon the world, just another class of spammer.

That’s all for today folks!